The Voice Behind People-Pleasing: It’s Not the Enemy, It’s a Messenger.
If you tend to say “yes” when you want to say “no,” feel responsible for other people’s comfort, or spiral with self-doubt after setting a boundary, there’s likely a voice inside that sounds something like:
“ What if they think I’m selfish?”
“You should just go along—it’s easier.”
”I don’t want to let them down.”
It’s a familiar companion for people-pleasers, the voice that whispers worry, guilt, and second-guessing. And while it can feel like the enemy, what if it’s not here to hurt you—but to protect you?
From Threat to Messenger: Reframing the Inner Voice
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we don’t try to get rid of uncomfortable thoughts, we learn to relate to them differently. This is called defusion.
Rather than arguing with that inner voice or letting it hijack your choices, you can pause and say:
“Hi there. You’re trying to help me.”
Instead of treating this voice as a threat, we begin to see it as a distorted protector, an old habit trying to shield you from discomfort, judgment, or rejection.
And here’s the powerful shift:
“Hi. You’re here to remind me to slow down and check in with myself. Maybe I need a break, or to honor what matters to me right now.”
Why This Voice Feels So Convincing
That inner commentary is often shaped by years of learning—experiences where blending in, keeping the peace, or earning approval felt necessary for safety or belonging.
But just because the voice is loud doesn’t mean it’s true. You can notice these thoughts without obeying them. You can have a thought like:
“They won’t like me if I say no.”
…and still choose to honor your limits.
This is psychological flexibility. The ability to hold space for discomfort while moving in the direction of your values and build confidence and resilience.
Three ACT-Informed Ways to Relate to Your People-Pleasing Voice
1. Practice Defusion: “I’m having the thought that…”
Instead of “They’ll be mad if I say no,” try “I’m having the thought that they’ll be mad if I say no.”
It helps you step back from the thought and see it as just that, a thought, not necessarily a fact.
2. Connect to Your Observer Self
You are not the voice. You’re the one hearing the voice. This is self-context, the ability to observe your thoughts without allowing them to dictate your behavior.
Try gently telling yourself:
“There’s the voice again. I can notice it and still choose what matters.”
3. Anchor in Values and Committed Action
The goal isn’t to get rid of discomfort. It’s to keep moving with your values as your compass, even when discomfort is along for the ride.
“What kind of person do I want to be in this moment?”
“If I weren’t struggling with this thought, what would I choose to do?”
That might mean resting instead of saying yes out of guilt.
It might mean speaking up, even if your voice shakes.
It might mean offering yourself gratitude instead of criticism.
Letting the Voice Be There, Without Letting It Lead
You don’t need to banish the voice that fuels people pleasing. You just don’t have to let it drive the car.
By pausing, naming it, and responding with kindness, you create space between the old story and a new choice.
You might say:
“Thank you, voice. You’re here to remind me that I care. But today, I’m choosing to care for myself too.”
This is what healing looks like. Not erasing the voice—but changing your relationship to it. Listening without obeying. Feeling discomfort without abandoning yourself.
You’re allowed to not be responsible for other people’s feelings.
You’re allowed to rest. To say no.
You’re allowed to make choices that honor your values, not just your fears.
And the voice? It can come along for the ride.
But you get to choose the direction.
What’s one small choice you can make today that honors your values, even if it feels uncomfortable?